Its like drinking unicorn giggles!

WANTED

2008-04-20T22:45:56Z

FRIENDS WANTED

Desperatly lonely 23yr f looking for friends to hang out, confide, do friends stuff together with.
Available weekends, lunchtimes and nights.
Looking for ppl who are loyal, honest, friendly, like to have fun, also don't mind a bit of unpredictability.
Plz contact Kelly for more info.

Happy Birthday to me

2008-03-17T03:02:55Z

This is the cake I made for myself - a princess castle cake...

Quick Update

2008-02-20T20:10:30Z

Mood: Good

I have been feeling great-good for about the past week and a half and it has been a FANTASTIC experience. I havn't felt this way in so long.... I almost forgot who she was. I put it down in a final tweak in my medication. I'm off a mood stabiliser and taking double to triple my original prozac intake. I can see again, smell again, hear again... a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Techniqually I either have bipolar 2, depression with bipolar tendencies or major depressive disorder - depending on the doctor you talk to. But at the moment I feel free, I no longer have to worry about all that for now.

I have also found a release in spending money. I have so many DVD's still in plastic and books unread as well as heaps of glory box items! (so many I had to buy storage boxes for them!) I'm trying to save more at the moment, so we'll see how that goes.

I got my hair coloured. Dark chocolate browny red with hidden copper foils throughout. I like it. My hair feels so silky.

I had a dream last night that a child at work was upset and hurt and needed a bandaid. So I got up to get him one... literally! I got out of bed! And then I woke up when I got to the kitchen and was like WHAT THE! WHY AM I IN THE KITCHEN! Creeeepppppyyyyyyyyy.

When all you can do is keep breathing....

2008-02-05T14:20:05Z

If I stay up late several nights in a row, for whatever reason, it triggers me.

And yet here I am. Up late once again, knowing I need to rise at 5:30am for a job that is completely unstable due to recent activities brought on by my moods.

Mood.

What a stupid word.

Why do I do this to myself? Do you do this to? Do something, go somewhere that triggers you even though you KNOW it triggers you?

I don't want to feel this way but I know I will feel this way if I stay up late once again but I do it anyway and I have no explanation as to why.

None.

I had these ideas. Thoughts, movements, ideas, ideas flowing, coming and going of achieving things, changing things, correcting things.

But it never happens.

At the end of the day, all I can do is keep breathing.

GH3

2008-01-24T12:29:45Z

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to rock and roll alll nightttt.... and party every day! IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII want to rock and roll all nighttttt AND PARTY EVERYDAY!

Guitar Hero 3 rocks!

Evil Sprite

2007-12-28T05:43:34Z

Do you want to know what sucks? DO YOU WANT TO KNOW what sucks? Being female and having a bloody mental disorder. Female with bi-polar.

FEMALE! Havn't I enough hormones racing around?!? Havn't I enough fucking estrogen?!?! Do I really need a mood disorder on top of what I already deal with?! For fucks sake I bleed out our hormones every month on top of being too attached to my damn emotions and lets alllllllll top it off with a big fat MANIC DEPRESSION.

Dear Santa,

2007-12-25T11:49:58Z

Where the fuck is the house I asked for?? DAMN YOU!!!!!

Love,
Kelly
xxx

Tokyo!

2007-11-29T12:50:10Z

Yesterday Chris and I went to Mt Fuji and Hakone on an organised tour. Unfortunatly it was pretty cloudy so we didn't get a clear glimpse of the mountain but it was still a good day out. It was nice to have someone else think for you and tell you where to go and what to eat... it was a nice rest. The day started with Chris and I traveling to the bus station where our tour bus would leave from. The first stop was the Mt Fuji information centre that had a few cool facts aout the mountain in English. Did you know that Mt Fuji is an ACTIVE volcano? Pretty interesting.

The next stop was the 4th station on Mt Fuji. It has been snowing in the morning so the 5th station where they usually go was closed. Chris took this picture on our stop.

Because the weather started to change again and get really foggy we headed back down the mountain and with our extra time were able to stop at the Peace Pagoda which was located... somewhere... in Hakone I think.

Me in front of the Peace Pagoda. There were cool lion statues from all around Asia in the garden too which was really cool to look at.

Chris and I in front of some stone carving fountain thing at the Peace Pagoda.

After the Peace Pagoda we were back on the road and headed towards a lake in Hakone for a river cruise. The river cruise/ferry ride lasted about 15 minutes. It was really cold outside so I stayed indoors and looked out of the windows. Chris was feeling brave and went out into the cold to take photos. We then went on a cable car ride up onto some mountain where it was FREEZING and the fog was so thick you couldn't see very far ahead.

Heres me on top of a hill where some shrine ting was.

Chris then made me walk off into the wilderness where we found a rusted up building that use to be another cable ca place. I found that really odd that they just left the building there like that. SPPOOOOOOOOKKYYYYYYYYY! Then we walked back to the group which took about 5 minutes because I was over exagerating about the wilderness thing.

I needed to go to the toilet and they only had Japanese style toilets available!! Boo!

But then I got to ride a horse and that cheered me up quite a bit.

So our hotel in Tokyo is located in Ginza, the most flashiest, poshest place you could imagine. It is compared with 5th avenue in New York. Heres a photo of Ginza at night in one of the least fanciest places there is (still really nice!).

A Louie Vutton building!

Chris and I went in search of the Godzilla statue and were very disappointed to find this in its place....

And lastly a photo I begged Chris to take because it was way too cute. Look veryyyyyy closely at the flowers...

Hello Kitty!! Isn't that funny! Well I'm going to go have a look through all the little knick knacks I bought today and eat some Pocky.

Ja Mata!

Also a note that there are 2 other journal entries I did but back dated.

JAPAN!!!! JAPAN!!!! NIPPON!!!!

2007-11-20T11:03:23Z

Well...we made it! After an extremely boring flight we are finally here! JAPAN!!!!!! JAPAN!!!!! And yehhhhh.... I think I might stay...

There have been a few times where communicating has been a little difficult or where we have found ourselves wandering in every direction trying to find the right way, but so far so good and we are both very happy and very excited.

Today we ate octopus balls, bought strange drinks from funny vending machines and saw Osaka Castle! We are just up from an arcade where there are a rows and rows of karoke places, eateries, game arcades and poker machines. There is a big bright red ferris wheel that can be seen from our hotel window and has been a great landmark to find our way home.

Some toy vending machine things.

Us at Osaka Castle.

The octopus balls we had. Chris didn't like them so much but he ate them anyway.

This place is so big! It's incredible. It just seems to continue on as city for ages.

Tonight we are planning on going on the ferris wheel. It's about 8 degrees at the moment but it's not so bad when you are walking around.

The ferris wheel outside our hotel.

PS. Japanese TV is hilarious!

J to the apan!

2007-11-16T23:35:56Z

2 sleeps to go!!!!

2 FREAKING EXCITING SLEEPS TO GO!!!!!!!

Osaka, Kyoto, Tokyo, Hiroshima, Miyjima Island, Kurashiki, Mt Fuji, Yokohama, Kobe OMG! OMG! OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! JAPANNNNNNNNNNNN!

I'M GOING TO JAPAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, I am having serious impulsive spending issues lately. I decided I absoultly HAD to buy $100 worth of books in Angus and Robertson yesterday. I bought $111 worth of books. Last night I also bought 2 shirts off threadless without even thinking about it. Lately I've also found myself with a book all about cupcakes, coffee stencils, 6 DVDs, lots of hand lotions, a flask.....just really random stuff.

I also sponsored a child through World Vision which I'm very proud of. His name is Rajitha from Sri Lanka and he is 13 years old. The older children find it harder to get sponsors thats why I went for him.

My medication is still hard to take but is getting better on my body. The Lovan has kicked in and most of my symptoms of depression are gone. However I still find myself tired and unmotivated. I'm speaking on a depression plane - not normal tiredness and unmotivatedness. I'm suppose to go get another blood test for my lithium very soon but have decided to do it after my trip. I feel like a bit of a pin cushion sometimes.

2 more sleeps :)

Suddenly...

2007-11-03T07:08:26Z

...I feel so tired. All these late nights of feverish energy and early mornings of responsibility have caught up. What can save me from myself?

I feel like shopping but the shops are closed. I feel like sex but Chris is busy studying.

Someone make me dinner.

Halloween

2007-11-01T10:28:21Z

We had a special Halloween celebration at work yesterday. Some of the kids and staff got dressed up, myself included. It was heaps of fun and a really great atmosphere. Lots of lollies and chocolate, face painting, a mummy race, a pumpkin game and climbing through a spiderweb we made in the playground. Amanda (my boss) and I decorated the place with pumpkins, streamers and construction tape. It was a really great and fun day!

MAD!!!!!!!!

2007-10-27T01:28:30Z

I feel so mad with myself! Why must I be like this? I can't achieve anything for myself. I can't seem to muster the motivation for anything.

WHY do I have to have bipolar disorder?!?! WHY!!!! WHY ME!!!!!

I don't want to take these meds anymore! THEY MAKE ME SO ANGRY! I shouldn't have to take these! Pumping my body with chemicals that aren't good for me. I don't want to have to rely on them either. After Japan, I'm going to stop taking them. I JUST HATE THEM! I shouldn't have to take them!

My life was going so SO well and then depression had to step back into my life. I HATE IT!!!!!!!!! I HATE IT! I HATE IT! I HATE IT!

Bloooooooooooood

2007-10-23T02:14:09Z

I went in for my first blood test today. Presuming everything is ok, my next one will be in a months' time. After that I'll need one done every 2 months to monitor the amount of lithium in my blood. The reason for this is because there is a thin line between the prescribed dosage of lithium and the amount that is toxic to a person, so it needs to be monitored closely.

I'm still experiencing side effects of the drugs - diarrhoea, weak limbs, my skin feels like its burning (same with my scalp), some of my joints ache and nausea. I've also had a few delusions which really scared me. I think I've lost a bit of weight this weak from not eating. My pants are a bit loose.

I'm seeing my GP this arvo to see if theres anything he can do for me, if not then I see my pdoc (Psychiatrist) tomorrow.

thehamstersdead @ 2007-10-20T21:32:00

2007-10-20T11:45:12Z

Hi, my name is: Kelly

but you can call me: Kel

Never in my life have I: had sex in public

The one person who can drive me nuts is: Chris

My high school is: over in MacGregor

When I’m nervous: I become very anxious and ultimately loose my head

The last song I listened to was: Breaking It Slowly by George

If I were to get married right now it would be to: Chris

My hair is: in a ponytail

When I was 4: I was born

I should be: conquering the next level in the Phantom Hourglass

When I look down I see: this was suppose to be the future and boobs

The happiest recent event was: Sharing a thickshake with Chris today

If I were a character on a tv show : I'd want to be Rove or Pete from Petespace

By this time next year: Japan will have seemed like an age ago.

My current gripe is: medication

I have a hard time understanding: why I cant just be normal

If I won an award, the first person I would tell would be: Whoever I saw next (granted I knew them)

I want to buy: a massive tv so i can buy a wii

Where do you plan to visit: Japan next month

If you spent the night at my house: I'd talk and sleep and maybe eat.

The world could do without: anger

Most recent thing I’ve bought myself: Train rail passes for Japan

Most recent thing someone else bought me: lunch

My middle name is: maree

In the morning I: I woke up 11am today - i dont know if that is still morning

Last night I was: exhausted

There’s this guy I know who: owns a mean volvo

If I was an animal I’d be a: whale

A better name for me would be: loony

Tomorrow I am: seeing chris

Tonight I am: upset and confused

My birthday is: march

You got this from: Clare

It continues.

2007-10-17T01:19:41Z

The medication is still making me sick and this morning I had some lovely period pain to go along side it. UGH period pain, one of my most hated things. Any girl who gets period pain will understand that it's seemingly impossible to do anything! As soon as I sit down to do my work its UGH pain. You try to ignore it but it builds and builds and BUILDS, until you HAVE to jump up and have a walk around.

Period pain is poo.

On another note, I think the medication is causing me to loose my head.

Ugh, bad feelings.

2007-10-15T02:15:28Z

Ugh. This is terrible. I feel like I need to vomit and go to the bathroom all at once. There is a sharp pain in my chest everytime i try to take a deep breathe (even whilst yawning) and when I blow my nose a lot of blood comes out. My stomach churns and bubbles but by the time I get to the bathroom, I'm fine again. It comes and goes in waves. Big waves. Big gigantic painful waves.

Work this morning was horrible like this. AND our staff toilet is out of order. I kept rushing outside form the office to get some fresh air. The staff think I have some tummy bug and are keeping their distance although I keep telling them "I'm not contagious".

I'm going to have a lie down now I think. I had a bad dream last night so I didn't get much sleep.

1 day down.

Lost.

2007-10-14T05:31:10Z

I had some sort of breakdown on Friday night at Chris' house. One of those big moths flew into the room and I flipped out. At first it was just a normal "aughhh Chris save me" reaction that I have with most bugs. But then I began screaming and curling up and being so afraid of it touching me. I cried for some time, and jumped at and cried some more at every little movement of anything. I remember being so so afraid of it touching me. It was just silly how I reacted it. And after it I realised I don't even think it was all about the moth.

I had been going so well for over a week and yet an incident so small, like the scare from the moth, just broke me. I'm still irritable, I still carry the weight of depression and its so so easy to just give up right now. I feel so weak.

So I began the medication today. I think I'm doing the right thing medically, but why does it feel so wrong? I hope I don't get sick this week. I hope I don't gain weight from it. I hope I don't develop a shake in my hands form it. I feel so lost. I don't know if I'm doing the right thing but I don't know what else to do. I've tried all other avenues.

I just feel so lost.

Confrontations.

2007-10-05T10:35:12Z

I'm really unsure where to begin. Or if there even is a beginning.

I guess....

I've had depression for a few months now. My fourth time in 6 years. This time I was concerned about loosing my relationship with Chris so I sought help that I had not previously sought. I began seeing a psychologist and began Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. After a month and a bit, it became apparent that the therapy was doing very little, if anything. My psychologist noted that the physical symptoms of the depression along with the low feelings made it virtually impossible for me to implement the therapy into my life. Areas in my life became very strained. Feeling constantly tired and waking up tired made it difficult to get through work each day. After work I felt too exhausted to do anything - go out, see Chris, phone a friend... I rarely felt the energy to do any of these things. Some days I was so low, I contemplated suicide all the time by thinking about it at least every hour of the day. Other days I was incredibly irritated and angry for no reason at all. My relationship with Chris was on the rocks until one day, he broke up with me. It was such a shock! I had walked out on him at his house that very night and I can still honestly say I never saw it coming. I was very shaken up by it all and did a lot of thinking. I spoke with Chris for hours and he finally said "we'll see how it goes...". That's all I needed. That night I stayed up late writing a plan of action and symptoms of the depression so Chris could understand it better. I also suddenly decided I needed a plain and simple, uncluttered room and began a mad cleaning spree at 12am.

The afternoon before Chris broke up with me I was hysterical. It was one of the lowest natural moments I'd had this time round. I made an emergency appointment with my psychologist and she told me, I needed to see a psychiatrist asap to confirm the diagnosis she had made on me and to seriously consider medication. My psychiatrist appointment wasn't until February so we made an emergency appointment with another psychiatrist. I was so nervous in the waiting room to see him, I didn't want to go in. We spoke for a while about how I was feeling, then I answered 20 or so questions to which I had to answer "never", "sometimes" or "most of the time". He then asked me alot of very personal and confronting questions about my past and present. Everything from my experiences in primary school, to how I would describe my parents, to my sexual appetite.

He then confirmed the diagnosis of Bi-polar and prescribed me a couple of drugs. An antidepressant and a mood stabiliser, lithium carbonate. I was so dazed and unbelieving. I didn't want to believe it. I felt very vulnerable. That night I told Chris of my diagnosis and once again our relationship came back into question. He was worried of what the future would be like for me and how that would affect himself and the relationship.

I'm happy to say we are now ok. We are taking it slowly, a day at a time, and I think we'll pull through with a much stronger relationship. We certainly appreciate each other so much more now. The thought of going on without him was utterly heartbreaking. I can not even describe how much I love that boy.

Concerning treatment, it is highly recommended that I begin medication and stay on them for the rest of my life - through the times I'm fine, through future pregnancy/s, forever. CBT is unlikely to be effective, but I find it calming and grounding to talk to my psychologist. I'm afraid of the medication. Not so much the antidepressants but mostly the lithium. It's a serious drug and easy to reach lithium toxicity levels with slight change of diet, increase or decrease in salt in diet, dehydration and bowel changes for some examples. The last blood test I got said I was dehydrated all of the time and had very low sodium levels. Not the most promising start.

Apparently a manic episode could be detrimental to my health. But its hard for me to worry about that when my only concern is the depression. I don't think I'm going to take the medication. Not this time around anyway. This past week I've noticed a change in myself (I think as a result of the shock with Chris) and I seem to be coping much better. I'm following my action plan and taking beroka everyday, try to sleep at regular times, I'm more aware of my diet, I told my parents about what's happening, and starting exercising a little every day. Anyway, I'll see how I go for a couple weeks and if I'm doing well, I'll keep it up, if not then I'll see my doctor to discuss and ask more questions about the medications. Fingers crossed for the best.

By the way, I think being a psychiatrist is a good profession to get into. It pays $250 an hour.

How do you end a post like this?

thehamstersdead @ 2007-10-01T18:58:00

2007-10-01T09:00:06Z

Depression killed me.

10.5

2007-09-14T10:50:36Z

Today I worked for 10.5 hours.

A child came to school without any shoes (she's come in her pajamas before).

The plumber replaced the wrong toilet.

An employee did not show up for work.

I had to cut my lunch break in half to rush back to the centre as Amanda was late.

lonely time

2007-09-08T03:50:53Z

I'm still on the mend after a throat infection, ear infection and conjunctivitis. It hasn't been a pretty week. I only worked the Friday.

Sessions with Lydia are going ok but she wants me to see a Psychiatrist. I don't know how I feel about that. I'm still digesting her diagnosis and wondering where I went wrong. I havn't even made up my mind about medication however Lydia has been talking with my GP and I guess I'll see what he, and the Psychiatrist, have to say.

TAFE want to know where the assignment due 3 months ago is.

Chris turned 22 on Thursday. I saw him for a little bit. I didn't want to give him conjunctivitis, which was still contagious at that point.

I watched all of Season One of Grey's Anatomy when I was home, sick.

It's Saturday, I've already seen Lydia and now I'm home alone again. Chris has study to do. Saturdays are a lonely time.

fuck you

2007-08-22T12:06:01Z

fuck all of you.

ive had enough of this fucking shit. if you dont like something then whats the point in doing it. whats the point in working, studying, eating, breathing. if you dont like it, dont do it. its all fucked up anyway.

ITS ALL FUCKING SHIT!

and you are all fucking dicks. i hate you. all of you. you are not my friends.

Life: Take One

2007-08-14T13:44:06Z

I sleep more than usual. My energy levels are low, I can't concentrate, I have trouble making decisions, I feel irritable, angry, sad, stressed, and yet numb. I blame myself and I blame others. I am sick.

What if I told you I was HIV positive?

I don't have HIV but I do have another disease that I am ashamed of and that others just don't seem to understand. It's called Depression.

What IS depression?
Depression is a mood state that involves a significant and persistent lowering of mood associated with great sadness. Depression, however, does not simply involve feeling a little low, having a bad day or feeling blue. In depression, the low mood does not go away after a day or two, but persists, often causing major difficulties in coping with everyday life.
This low mood is also very difficult to shift. It resists efforts by the sufferer or friends to shift into a happier way of feeling. Well-meaning efforts to cheer the depressed person up by going to a party, or on a trip, are usually doomed to failure because of this. Depression is also associated with a number of physical symptoms not usually seen when a person is simply sad.
Taken from here.

I've started seeing a physchologist. She said that because of the nature of my depression and from my history with the illness, she believes my genetic makeup plays a major role. Some people are just prone to depression. Lucky for me, it seems I am one of them. I am over this disease and I am over people telling me to "Just be happy" and "Snap out of it" and "Cheer up", it's just all.....crap. Do you think I enjoy being this way? If I was able to "Cheer up", don't you think I would?

I'm currently undertaking Cognitive Behaviour Therapy. In the case that this fails, I can go on medication but it won't be a short soultion. Most likely I would have to take those pills for the rest of my life. Does anyone want to swap brains with me?? Because I swear to God I'd love to do that! I am over this fucked up mind of mine.

I'm over life. I'm over people.

It's the same scenario everytime.
I began to loose interest in what I do, than I become irritable and irritate others. Suddenly my friends are walking out the door and I realise I don't love what I do any more - my work, my hobbies... I have one friend left and I cling onto them with all I have and hope they don't fall too.

This time that person is Chris. In the past it was Hayden, before that Tom and before that Lucy.

I lost alot of friends at school the first time, I lost all my friends at uni, I was lucky another time as I didn't have many friends to loose and generally stayed out of their way, this time... I don't have anyone, but Chris.

I know I'm a bitch when I'm like this, and I try really hard, REALLY hard to stay "normal". But of late it tires me out too much and the most I can do is get myself out of bed in the morning and plaster on a fake smile.

*sigh*
2 of my grandparents are dieing, one has 6 months to live and a 3rd grandparent needs open heart surgery but has been told she will most likely not survive so she isn't going through with it. Makes me wonder about life and why the hell we even bother.

If I havn't been around much...

2007-07-17T21:45:07Z

...It's because I havn't been great lately.

Things are tough at the moment and I'm struggling with everyday activities. If I could reverse or forward time, I would. I just want to be anywhere but the now.